The Scandalous Gap in Homeland Security's Defenses

This via the always reliable, always remarkable and always charming Wonkette

How to Survive a Zombie Attack (Op-Ed)

By dr zeus


I finally saw Dawn of the Dead (2004), and I just have to wonder, did these people even think about how they would survive a zombie attack? Since we've had a rash of zombie movies lately - 28 Day, Shaun of the Dead - I think someone needs to publish a zombie survival guide to help these people out. And that someone is me, because I for one don't welcome our new zombie overlords.

First things first, you have to know your enemy. Zombies come in two flavors: fast and slow. Fast are definitely cool, but you'll need more than a baseball bat and a pair of running sneakers to survive that zombie attack. Slow zombies - well why the heck would anyone die from a slow zombie? If you can't get away from a slow zombie, you earned dismemberment.

Let's suppose that you made it through the first 10 minutes of the zombie-fest, and while most of your town are looking for live flesh to feast on, you're wondering how to hot-wire a car and get out of town. You need a plan of action...


I'm assuming the reader isn't currently experiencing a zombie outbreak. If you are, skip down to the next section.

Preparing now for zombiedom is a good idea. Remember what the TV preacher said, 'When hell is full, the dead will walk the earth.' So it's bound to happen sooner or later. Since it would look wierd if you started bricking up your windows and stockpiling rifles, you have to be smart about this.

First, get to know the guy in town who bought a pallet of Spam to survive Y2K. He probably still has a ton of that stuff around, and knows all the good hiding places.

Next, scout out all the big box retailers that carry ammo and food. Not too many eh? Tough luck, blue-stater. Someplace like WalMart is ideal, especially with the Garden Center for seed and stuff for longterm survival. A big bonus would be a nearby Home Depot or some such place so you can get plenty of lumber and quick-mix concrete for fortification.

While you're preparing, always keep in mind locations where people congregate - you're likely to find lots of zombies there when things turn ugly. Highways, malls, and schools are especially bad. You also might want to mention to your friends and family in passing how well your hiding place could be defended, etc. That way, when the zombies come, they'll remember you said that and come help you. I don't recommend telling them you're preparing for a zombie invasion..."

Continue on, if there's still time: kuro5hin

So all those terrorists have to do is die, come up again as zombies, and eat their way across America.


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