14 Thoughts For The New Pope / Condoms. Female priests. Stop gay bashing. And dammit, do something about Christian rock

Mark Morford, always fun, sometimes outrageously fun -- to take nothing away from him, a new pope whose defenders say, "Well, he wasn't a member of Hitler Youth for very long and he wasn't an enthusiastic member," to explain why he just stood by as he saw Jews being boxcar'd into Hell, isn't exactly as demanding a target as Mother Teresa. Now THERE would have been an interesting Pope.

Face it, Benny the Dick is and was political to the utmost, the Karl Rove of the JPII admin who dug the dirt and vetted the loyalties for the appointment of each and every cardinal in the conclave. A man who played politics with the lives of all of us, as when he issued his directive to American clergy to tell all and sundry that anyone such as John Kerry, a Catholic who, as an American, supports the legal rights of women to choose whether or not to have an abortion, that such a man should be denied communnion, and the same would apply to anyone supporting him. In short, the mudslinging, dirt-digging, back-stabbing, back-alley-mugging Dick Nixon to the smiling, waving Eisenhower. In short, a Dick and a nasty piece of work. We can only hope the sacred meatball of compassion bonked him hard when they promoted him in secret session.

And onto Mr. Morford's commentary:

OK, first things first.

They say you're a hard-line conservative, new pope Joseph Ratzinger (a.k.a. Benedict XVI) of Germany. Very old school and drab, a real lover of repressive, bitter, orthodox doctrine. No fun at parties. Catholic in chains. What glorious times of joy and progress the church is in for, millions now say, dejected sarcasm dripping from their once-hopeful mouths.

See, most spiritually progressive peoples the world over were sort of hoping for a new pope who would recognize this as a historic opportunity, an unprecedented moment for the church to finally get with the times, modernize, shake off the dust and roll some bones and pry open some of those old dungeon doors and bring in some goddamn light.

You know what we wanted? More sex. Love. Good TV. Gender freedom. Better wine. Less sneering doctrine and homophobia and sexism and more fun with condoms and music and spiritual joy. But, instead, we got you.


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